Monday, October 24, 2011

Twilight. Seriously.

Or, how I stopped worrying and learned to admit that I read the "Twilight" series.

Every year, I take a long vacation from work between the Christmas and New Years holidays. During those glorious eleven days, I do . . . nothing. Ejemplo: last year I played (and beat WHAT UP) the Harry Potter LEGO game and read 2.5 books.

Golly, I seem to be starting a trend of fibbing to you guys. Actually, I tell people I read two and a half books. In reality, it was four. It was the entire "Twilight" series. All four of 'em.

It spawned from several factors. See, at work, I sometimes feel like I don't have a lot to talk about. My coworkers watch a lot of reality TV and sports, and not many of them are in to comics or movies or general nerdery. And - and this is an observation, not a judgement - not a lot of readers in the group either. So my ears perked up when all my female coworkers started talking about books, even though they were talking about Twilight. I thought to myself that one day I might pick up the series at Half Price Books, but nothing really ever came of it.

And then for Christmas, a coworker bought me the first book. So I read it. And then I went out and bought the next two (going so far as to ask the cashier for a gift receipt [oopsy! see last blog post]), and then I downloaded the fourth for my android kindle app. And I read every single word.

Guys, they're really not good. I cannot in good conscience refer to them as literature. But good GOD did I devour them! I will say that I like the author's take on the (spoiler alert!!) shapeshifter origins, and her development of that mythology. But in all honesty, other than that I got nothing. It really does read like the diary of a particularly verbose 14 year old. I don't know that I can put into words the exact reason I had to finish; just to say that I did? To have something to talk about with my coworkers? Maybe I just kept hoping to "get it"? But I never did, and I giggled at inappropriate passages, and I never really grew to like a single character.

So then I saw the movies. I DID. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Well, I think I really did see the first out of morbid curiosity. Even people who love the books said it was terrible, and my friends who refer to movies as "films" said it was one of the worst cinematic atrocities ever committed. I don't know that I would go that far, but yeah . . . it was pretty bad. So then I watched the second two, because at that point I was all "well fuck it. I'm already in this deep . . . " and they still weren't much better.

Which brings me to my point. I saw a commercial for part one of the finale tonight. You guys. YOU GUYS. It's going to be so bad! So awful!! I mean, the plot of the fourth book is just . . . just . . . ludicrous doesn't even begin to cover it. It is such a shark jumper that from here on out we should change it from "jumping the shark" to "giving birth to a half vampire." Oops, spoiler alert again. Sorry. If you've ever seen Simon Pegg let loose an exasperated "UGH," that's exactly the vibe I'm going for here.

So, my point is this: I'm totally going to see it. Probably not on opening night (but I bet I will muster that for part two), but I'm totally going to see it. Not to troll, not to be ironic, but just to have a great time enjoying something that will have no lasting impression nor change my world views in any way.

And please, do not take away from this post that I am making fun of "Twilight" lovers. I would never in a million years do that, because aside from my own hang ups about being judged, I would never call anyone stupid because their entertainment isn't my bag. I truly would not. I'm going to have something to talk about at work if it kills me.

If you've not read or seen the previous works, this will probably mean nothing. Or maybe it will make it even better, I don't know. Just watch and tell me this will not be epic (on whatever level you choose):

And just for shits and giggles I encourage you to read the comments. Now those people you can judge.

We Interrupt This Monday Evening for Some Metal

Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the Oxford comma.

Friday night I had the distinct pleasure of seeing both a band I never thought I would get to see, and a veritable metal legend. I've taken a pause in my giant bowl of buh-sketti-O's long enough to tell you all about it.

Cards on the table - I totally lied just there. I just wolfed down the rest of the O's. So now I can continue unfettered . . .

We saw Otep and Cavalera Conspiracy Friday night. At - seriously, are you ready for this? - McGuffy's House of Draft. McGuffy's. For any of you from the Dayton era that were at any point from, oh, 1985 on maybe, in to any kind of shitty metal, you know what I'm talking about. For those of you who aren't/weren't, I am so sorry that you do not. McGuffy's is one of those local legendary joints that waxes and wanes in both its popularity and reputation. Let's put it this way: Queensryche, Dream Theater, Dio, and countless other legends have played there. But so have I. So there you go. It has an eternal beer stank, but also guitars a' la Hard Rock decorating the walls.

So I, my fella, two of his friends, and approximately 100 Daytonians ventured out to see some metal. I have to tell you - I've been a quiet fan of Otep for quite a long time. I was working at a record store and a coworker put in Otep's CD, then watched my face. I wasn't into a lot of cookie monster metal, but this stuff had a groove and I was digging on it OK. Then my coworker said "by the way, that's a chick." AND I FELL IN LOVE WITH OTEP. Their live performance did not disappoint. They were - oh my god you guys, I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it - tighter than Tool on two possibly three of the four Tool performances I have seen. Seriously. Cavalera Conspiracy was also super fun, and - personal achievement - I was within like five feet of a pit. Side note - before the show Jason made a comment about Max's dreads possibly being held together by poo, and that might not have been a joke.

Guys, I kind of lied to you again. This is not a post about metal. I led you here under that guise, but what I really want to talk about? Dub step. Seriously. Both Otep and Cavalera Conspiracy took to the blackened stage to some haaaaardcore dub. I loved it. I really wanted to find out who it was, but couldn't think of a single person to ask in that Red Bull Metal Stank crowd. Not one person.

I only learned about dub step a few months ago, and I guess by that time it was already cool to make fun of it. But screw you guys, I listen to what I want! I thought I had reached a point in my life where I was completely unafraid to be into things that aren't looked upon as "real*." Art, music, movies, TV shows, I thought I no longer cared and had well reached an age where if you judge me because of what entertains me, you are the douche. Learned an important lesson Friday - apparently I'm not quite there yet. So now I have to spend literally minutes on the world wide web trying to figure out those sweet sweet sounds that rumbled my belly and made me want to dance like a French hipster before two crusty metal bands took the stage.

*Uck, god, case in point. I just popped over to another blog site and I saw the following: "Any fans of REAL music out there, I urge you to go see band-X."

So, I aim to update this blog a lot more frequently. I can't promise there will be anything of note here, just random thoughts and an occasional rant, I'm sure. But recently I've been chock full of excuses as to why I don't write (editorially and creatively) and the jar just emptied. So stay tuned, friends and neighbors. Or better yet, chime in and start a conversation!