Monday, October 24, 2011

Twilight. Seriously.

Or, how I stopped worrying and learned to admit that I read the "Twilight" series.

Every year, I take a long vacation from work between the Christmas and New Years holidays. During those glorious eleven days, I do . . . nothing. Ejemplo: last year I played (and beat WHAT UP) the Harry Potter LEGO game and read 2.5 books.

Golly, I seem to be starting a trend of fibbing to you guys. Actually, I tell people I read two and a half books. In reality, it was four. It was the entire "Twilight" series. All four of 'em.

It spawned from several factors. See, at work, I sometimes feel like I don't have a lot to talk about. My coworkers watch a lot of reality TV and sports, and not many of them are in to comics or movies or general nerdery. And - and this is an observation, not a judgement - not a lot of readers in the group either. So my ears perked up when all my female coworkers started talking about books, even though they were talking about Twilight. I thought to myself that one day I might pick up the series at Half Price Books, but nothing really ever came of it.

And then for Christmas, a coworker bought me the first book. So I read it. And then I went out and bought the next two (going so far as to ask the cashier for a gift receipt [oopsy! see last blog post]), and then I downloaded the fourth for my android kindle app. And I read every single word.

Guys, they're really not good. I cannot in good conscience refer to them as literature. But good GOD did I devour them! I will say that I like the author's take on the (spoiler alert!!) shapeshifter origins, and her development of that mythology. But in all honesty, other than that I got nothing. It really does read like the diary of a particularly verbose 14 year old. I don't know that I can put into words the exact reason I had to finish; just to say that I did? To have something to talk about with my coworkers? Maybe I just kept hoping to "get it"? But I never did, and I giggled at inappropriate passages, and I never really grew to like a single character.

So then I saw the movies. I DID. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Well, I think I really did see the first out of morbid curiosity. Even people who love the books said it was terrible, and my friends who refer to movies as "films" said it was one of the worst cinematic atrocities ever committed. I don't know that I would go that far, but yeah . . . it was pretty bad. So then I watched the second two, because at that point I was all "well fuck it. I'm already in this deep . . . " and they still weren't much better.

Which brings me to my point. I saw a commercial for part one of the finale tonight. You guys. YOU GUYS. It's going to be so bad! So awful!! I mean, the plot of the fourth book is just . . . just . . . ludicrous doesn't even begin to cover it. It is such a shark jumper that from here on out we should change it from "jumping the shark" to "giving birth to a half vampire." Oops, spoiler alert again. Sorry. If you've ever seen Simon Pegg let loose an exasperated "UGH," that's exactly the vibe I'm going for here.

So, my point is this: I'm totally going to see it. Probably not on opening night (but I bet I will muster that for part two), but I'm totally going to see it. Not to troll, not to be ironic, but just to have a great time enjoying something that will have no lasting impression nor change my world views in any way.

And please, do not take away from this post that I am making fun of "Twilight" lovers. I would never in a million years do that, because aside from my own hang ups about being judged, I would never call anyone stupid because their entertainment isn't my bag. I truly would not. I'm going to have something to talk about at work if it kills me.

If you've not read or seen the previous works, this will probably mean nothing. Or maybe it will make it even better, I don't know. Just watch and tell me this will not be epic (on whatever level you choose):

And just for shits and giggles I encourage you to read the comments. Now those people you can judge.


  1. I read a blog where he reviews a horror movie everyday, and he has seen all the Twilight films. He basically says that they're not for him, but they're not completely awful. He wants them to succeed so that they can finally get to the last movie, which he calls so batshit insane, that they're virtually unfilmable.

    That sounds like a fun train wreck.

    But I choose to remain Twilight free in my life.

  2. I would say that is an accurate summary of the events in the last book. I didn't even look at the rating - if they're keeping it PG13 there will probably be some MAJOR changes. I'll keep my comment spoiler free (since I have oh so many readers, har har) and tell you about it over Mexican food sometime.

  3. I've read all the books. I've seen all the movies. Just so I can make fun of them better. And I have to admit, I want to see the last two movies just because they will be GLORIOUS trainwrecks.

  4. I would never judge you for reading Twilight because please see my blog re: The Secret Circle. Hee.

    Joe and I have often talked about watching the movies, especially the last one, just because they seem like such trainwrecks. I LOVE COMEDY.

  5. Jennie and Dex - RIGHT?!!? It's going to be glooooorious!!

    Side note - I forgot to mention learning about how much Robert Pattinson HATES HIS OWN LIFE. It's awesome. He haaaates these movies, which actually makes them even more awesome in my eyes.